In response to several frightened e-mails from male readers concerned that they might be dating a feminist, here is a quick guide to spotting this elusive, dangerous creature:

-She’s in to politics
-Like, really into politics
-She’s always reading stuff and trying to talk to you about it
-Sometimes she says she “doesn’t feel like” shaving her legs
-She’s bossy, man
-A feminist knows a lot of depressing statistics
-A feminist knows too much about birth control
-She wants you to split the Plan B costs (lame!)
-She donates to social justice charities and foundations
-She subscribes to magazines you’ve never heard of
-A feminist is always running her mouth about what she wants
-When she buys any cosmetic, she talks endless about the industrial beauty industry that profits by making women feel inadequate…or something
-She knows more about sex than you do
-She taught you about the clitoris (that one was awesome)
-She got mad that time you bought her a Cosmo
-A feminist would find this stupid blog funny

Are you dating the dreaded feminist??

A bill has been proposed that would ban potential employers from requesting your Facebook log in information. Job hunters across the country are sighing with relief to know that the picture of them puking into a bush can remain a professional secret for now. While I support this measure to help keep personal lives just that, I can’t help but wonder about the ambitions of my cohorts.

Why is there a unified front to protect the rights of Facebook privacy (which is laughable all on it’s own considering the company’s dicey history with user information) but only the “liberals” react  negatively to a woman’s medical history being invaded by a Human Resources department.

Sure, my Facebook is pretty sacred. I mean, where else can I:
-Post drinking photos
-Share every article I find interesting
-Comment on everyone’s business
-Secretly message friends to talk shit
-Spam others’ wall with pictures of puppies

And it’s all in one convenient place!

However, when an employer wants to probe about why I take birth control (honest answer: I like fucking but I don’t like dem babies) it only gets a response from the extremists? The right loves it as a way to protect freedom of religion (and others’ freedom to impose their religion on you) and liberals decry it as a further assault against women. But where is the middle? Where is the “every-person” standing up and saying, “This is wrong? You can’t know about my Facebook antics or my private issues.”

Why can we all agree that Facebook should be private, but a woman’s personal medical history is an open book?

For me, this includes:
-Lock my car door if I see pedestrians by the road
-Own mace, and keep it in my pocket if it’s after dark (btw, I DGAF what states mace is illegal in. Teach men not to rape and I’ll stop taking it with me)
-Carry my car key like a knife in case someone comes at me
-Own a stun gun
-Never leave a window in my apartment open more than two inches
-Own a giant, scary dog
-Make sure I am seen frequently in my community with said dog
-Avoid elevator rides where I am the only female aboard
-Lock my car doors if I will not be leaving immediately (ex. digging my iPod out of my purse)
-Refuse to go out by myself after dark
-Know basic self defense tactics
-Own a knife
-Know how to shoot a gun
-Periodically check over my shoulder while I’m walking

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs, but given our society’s acceptance and support of violent men and victim blaming, it’s better to be prepared.

Ladies, what do you do to avoid sexual assault?

Fellas, what do you do to avoid sexual assault?

Related Posts:
What I Learned From Being Sexually Assaulted

Oh man, Phyllis Schlafly sure let the cat out of the bag when she pointed out to a group of male students that not all feminists are ugly (just most of them).  Men need to be careful of these wily feminists who try to distract them from the real issues and certainly never, ever date one. Those (inner) man hating, ball busting, hairy legged feminists are just trying to trick men into sex so they can steal sperm to fertilize their eggs and then eat their mate’s head.

Aside from the obvious decapitating nature of feminists, their are multiple other reasons to never date one:

-Feminists like to try new things in bed and you might not be good at that
-Splitting the bill on a date takes away the excuse that you “can’t afford” to take her out
-Using birth control takes away that “OH SHIT!” thrill of banging
-Feminists won’t have Cosmo sex tips to use (i.e. if she’s interested, she’ll place a scrunchie on your dick)
-She might be able to out-drink you
-She might sound smarter than you
-If she has her own interests, she can’t spend all day thinking about you
-She’ll want you to care about stuff too, bro
-Caring about stuff is totes gay
-She’ll probably know more about sex than you do
-A feminist might write about you in her blog

What the eff do conservatives think feminists do all day?

In honor of the great Arizona redefining the date of conception, I’ve compiled a list of other scientific areas of interest that the state trailing the pack in education should make into law as well:

-Monkeys were clearly created in Man’s image
-Anything that lives in water is a fish
-Duck-billed platypuses were created by the liberal media
-Remove one rib from all baby human males, just like the Bible says
-People of color are dark with sin
-Airplanes fly because they are hollow, like birds
-If dogs are man’s best friends, then cats are women’s
-Women who jump up and down should be arrested, because they risk scrambling their eggs
-Gold really does exist at the end of rainbows
-Gays can be identified by their small tail
-Men should no longer be allowed to masturbate, as this kills babies
-Eating carrots helps you see in the dark
-Exorcism is more effective then medicine at treating illness
-Leeches are the second best option
-Eating eggs of any sort should be outlawed, because YOU’RE EATING BABIES
-Reinstate the law of spontaneous generation
-Adultery laws should be eliminated, because it’s natural for men to cheat
-Global warming means the U.S. should start rebuilding an arc
-Incest is okay, because Adam and Eve’s children totally banged
-Volcanoes explode when too many brown people congregate in one area
-Women are failed men, so having sex with one makes you a homo
-Zygotes and embryos were smears on the microscope slide. Babies are actually fully formed right away, just really small
-A person who sleeps for more than 8 hours can legally be pronounced dead

God damn, Arizona sure is filled with stupid fucks.

“I Hate Your Children”
A poem inspired by an interrupted afternoon by the pool.

I hate your children.
I hate your fucking kids.
I hate hearing them scream,
Their whines,
Their cries.

To have them was a choice
Yours, not mine,
So why must I put up with them?
If you won’t parent up and watch them,
I will scream.

Your crotch parasite is your blessing
When you are knocked up,
Or did the knocking,
No more drinking, dancing,
No more acting like your child.

I hate your children.
I hate your fucking kids.
I hate seeing my Facebook newsfeed
Filled with how hard it is to be a parent,
How hard it is to not act like your free peers.

Tough shit.

USE CONDOMS.

I am happy to announce that I found a new job (and one that I might add pays better) after the shit that went down at my old one. But Haters, it has been an exhausting process. For those of you who are currently job hunting, let me share some of the red flags to watch for to see if this job will be a good fit or not.

Employer Is Tardy to Interview
I’ve learned that when a recruiter is more than about 5 minutes late to an interview and doesn’t notify you in some way, such as having the receptionist tell you that they are running behind schedule, this usually does not speak well of the company. This is going to be a work place that is disorganized and inconsiderate if you join it.

Interviewer Has No Clue About the Business
While this whole story is a blog for another day, I briefly accepted a position at a company where the owner had NO CLUE what the fuck happened there. He was completely unaware of how his clients accounts were kept, where their contact information was, and used Excel as his primary tool for tracking finances. When an interviewer can’t answer simple questions (i.e., “What is the pay schedule?” “I don’t know, so and so keeps track of that.”), working for them is going to be a disaster.

If the Description Contains the Word “Sales”…
…then it will be a sales job. The recruiter can truss it up as marketing, account management, or customer service, but at the end of the day it will be a sales job. Unless sales is really where you want to be, don’t even waste your time applying.

Refusal to Negotiate
If you do well at your interview and are offered a job, always test the waters by entering into initial negotiations. Companies that aren’t willing to negotiate pay (experience be damned!) are not worth working for. Hold out a little while longer and find something that will value what you can bring to the table.

What tips can you share?

It’s been a while, but between getting a new apartment, competing (and winning all first places I might add) in a dance competition, and getting fired, it’s been pretty hectic.

Well,  let me explain that. I wasn’t fired for sucking at my job or stealing, I was illegally terminated for being an out feminist .

And no, I’m not being dramatic.

After losing my supportive, fair, and honest supervisor I was moved under a fat, hateful pig. My first week with him, he pulled me aside and spent 40 minutes of my Friday (AFTER 5!!) threatening to have me fired. Now, I am not one to take shit, so I discussed it with HR. I had been to their offices multiple times to voice concerns about sexism in the work place, and had been met with mixed results, but I had always felt that they were supportive of me. It was at this point  though that I realized the HR department  at my company was full of idiots who blatantly breached employee confidentiality at every turn. They not only told my supervisor what I had discussed with them, but they told my CEO, who in part threatened to fire me if I didn’t stop being a trouble maker. Having gotten used to a certain style of living, I decided to shut up and just wait out the return for my old supervisor.

That was January.

Come March, I had settled comfortably into a mid-life crisis in a job that I had used to love but notw increasingly hated.

Alas, things were not meant to be.

A co-worker of mine, another out feminist, complained to HR about the lack of respect that female employees experienced in the office. Despite us both being managers, neither one of us was treated like it. We were constantly cock blocked by our male co-workers’ egos and told to stop being “emotional.” She also pointed out the suspicious hiring practices of hiring only model thing and attractive young employees.

That was Tuesday.

Come Friday, we were both let go due to “decisions made by the board of directors.”

Fucked up, I know.

But I have not given up. I wouldn’t be The Hating Expert if I didn’t operate out of sheer spite. The same day I was “laid off” (their term, not mine) I contacted a lawyer. I am now filing a claim with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for termination by means of retaliation. Turns out it’s illegal for a business to fire an employee when they take a complaint to HR or management.

SUCK ON THAT, MOTHER FUCKERS.

While I’m setting things in motion legally, I am refraining from mentioning the company’s name. But believe me, as soon as a settlement has been reached, I will be releasing their name.

I’ll keep you posted on how things are going, Haters.

And remember, don’t fuck with feminists.

The other morning I was at a Starbucks waiting for my overpriced little bit of delicious to be prepared. Because I am a creeper by nature, I listened to the two female baristas discuss a tip from a few customers before me. The girl at the register was very concerned that a regular male customer has left her a $6 tip. She asked her co-worker if this was normal, or if his motives were less than savory.

This incident has been stuck with me for several days. How sad is it that as women, we have to question the intentions and the potential danger of every male interaction. But is it justified? Are  they really no nice guys?

I have worked in customer service for a long time and did a brief stint as a bartender. I’ve had my fair share of men who seem just a little too generous to be true. But is it simply someone the case of a more established person trying to help a young person out? Or was that $10 tip for one drink a down payment on future services rendered?

When I was 16 and bagging at a grocery store, the late shift was hazardous for me. Drunk college guys on a beer run frequently tried to entice me to joining them later with the promises of tips for carrying their 24 pack to the car (I never did) and “more where that came from.” When I was 19 and behind the bar, my experiences became more diverse. My regular customers would occasionally leave me a bigger tip than usual or even a present (I got a few books, a DVD, and scratch cards that summer) because they liked that I made strong drinks, didn’t take shit, and seemed to remind a lot of them of nieces or grand daughters. But there were also the men who would leave me a 5 dollar bill and then ask for my number.

When women tipped me I never gave it a second thought. It was only with men that I ever became wary. Were my reservations justified?

What are your thoughts? Is there such thing as a nice guy, or is it all just a precursor to trying to get some?

The struggle for reproductive control has become a case of he said she said so large that Regina George herself could not have done a better job. With all of the tasteless, judgmental comments flying between political pundits and presidential hopefuls, let’s take a closer look at some of the most frequently debated, and often ironic or just plain wrong, controversies surrounding women’s right to healthcare.

Roe v. Wade
The most frequently attacked and conversely applauded (depending on which side of the aisle you’re on) Supreme Court decision in the struggle for abortion rights. Conservatives seek to overthrow and liberals long to enforce it. However, this ruling is extremely misunderstood. People often mistake it for supporting the right to abortion when really it’s goal was to insure the right to privacy in making reproductive choices.

Ironically, while most right winged zealots throw a fit at anything that can be viewed as government intrusion, women, especially pregnant women, should be ready to throw their feet up in the stirrups at any time so that their sexy bits can be examined, prodded, and inseminated at any time.

Private Insurance
Almost every Republican will tell you that we should have a truly free market with little to no government regulation. But boy do they shit their panties when it comes to allowing private insurances to cover reproductive services. Somehow, while arguing that over regulation led to the recession, they want to dictate what a private company can do. There are several conservative groups lobbying to make it illegal for private insurers to cover abortion.

But what about all that free market talk?

Honey, the market is only free if you have a dick.

Planned Parenthood
The first thing that comes out of any “pro life” supporter’s mouth when Planned Parenthood is mentioned is that they provide the most abortions out of any other institution. Well shit, Sherlock, good job. With the U.S.’s nasty habit of stalking, tormenting, and shooting abortion providers, there are few other options. While it’s true that Planned Parenthood does provide abortions, they also provide:

Well woman exams
STI treatment and testing for men and women
Pap smears
Contraception
Emergency contraception
Vasectomies
Pregnancy tests
Prenatal care
Adoption referrals

Those damned baby killers. Oh, wait…

It’s sad to see something as basic and necessary as women’s health be manipulated and discredited for political pandering and control of others.